Support & strength...for death?

I find myself lost.

I'm someone that can plan an attack, coordinate and execute an idea, motivate a thought to be carried out and achieved- but I find myself confused here.

Coming in I was a little unsure of what to expect. My Dad's body is telling him one thing, the doctors have said a similar thing & of course our minds want to dictate it's own story. I choose to believe and have hope.

I spoke to my uncle last night and he said something simply that really summed everything up: It all comes down to what choice my dad has made. A choice to live...or die.

I got in at 2am and my sister was fully dressed, passed out on her bed with headphones in her ears. Her computer was open, probably with a recent google search on something my dad has been feeling, she's good with that. It looks like a college dorm room scene. My mom and dad are on the bed in their room. Mom's awake, dad then wakes up. He's lost weight since I've seen him a few short days ago. My mom briefs me on whats been going on and then after spending some time in the room, we speak about dad's doctor and how we should find him a new one. One that they can trust. No other way to put it. I've mentioned in the past blogs that my dads doctor has not delivered the care we've needed. She is now the main doctor in charge. If we are not going to be open to her, why keep her? I leave to let dad rest. I walk into the other room and mom follows, talking to me some more and warning me almost at a whisper about some of the other symptoms dad was feeling.

I go to sleep thinking about everything. Will dad want to get a new doctor? When should Erin come visit? Will these cats bother me in my sleep and wake me up when they are hungry? Will I ever get to catch up on TRUE BLOOD? Is mom getting enough rest (she has to wake and make sure my dad is getting pain meds every 3hrs)? What is our attack? What choice has dad made? Questions, Questions, Questions..

I wake up at 9am after going to bed at 4:30am. Not much sleep and on top of it, it's 6am my body is feeling. It takes me a half hour to wake up. No time for that- helping dad with mom and Alexis to walk down the stairs. Walking from the room to the stairs makes him need a rest. We make it downstairs and he sits on the couch. The goal was to use the bathroom, it's been a few days. We sit on the couch. It hits. Silence. It kills me. What's going on?

I watch dad and he's having a hard time, but then I notice him on the phone sound completely different. You can't tell. This is what I've been hearing from across the country. There is a part of me that wants to call him on it jokingly and say, "Dad, I hope you are not just playing it soft with us, cause you seem good when you are talking to company or when you are on the phone!" But who am I to say? Or maybe I need to? I don't know...

It feels to me now in a few hours time I am here, that most people are accepting instead of fighting. I feel differently. I can't help it. Did I miss the memo? I know its different being here and maybe I'm not, "clued in yet"?

It's made me numb. I want to fight, but it's not my choice - I am not the one feeling what he feels. I want to support, but I don't know how to support him in THAT way yet. I don't look at it so much as being in denial, just wanting to battle on. I'm positive and this just freezes me up. I can take the action I'm ready to take, but I also know I need to be available the way that he needs me most.

We have been getting lots of visitors and a priest came by earlier & in between it all, I've had some time to LISTEN to dad, I know his position. I still haven't had a clear talk, he's needing to rest in between visitors.

I was told a few weeks ago, that anyone in my dad's position needs a support system, a strong one. I was told that people like him often make choices and follow through to keep their families happy- most of the time that leaves the patient suffering more. I believe that the choice has to come from the individual in the position, but I also know sometimes people just need that extra push. How do you...or how do I, make myself available? I want to believe. I want to support and be strong, I just feel wrong doing it for the choice of death or giving into that idea.

I want to support you dad and be here to give you strength. I told him a few weeks ago that whatever he decided he wanted to do, we were here to support as long as he just BELIEVED in it. I still want that to be available to him without feeling personally like there is more we can do and regretting that we won't get to try. In the end, I have to think about the big guy upstairs. Only HE knows the plan. He knows where my dad is & only he can make that final verdict.

It's difficult, but I have to trust and...let go. I won't fully, I know this...

I still am with hope and know a talk will help provide clarity. I just need to share my feelings with my dad.

A few weeks ago when this all surfaced again, I was in LA talking to my dad. I felt my adrenaline kicking in and passion was firing me up as I spoke to my dad about our plans. I can't remember what it was, or what it was he said, but something just walloped me. Really hit me hard, but as I was talking to him he calmed me. Maybe intentionally, maybe not, I don't even know if he knew, but in his voice there was a comfort that calmed me and I remember telling Erin, I felt like I was a kid in that moment and my dad...my hero, just eased my worries. In his way, just a few simple words that I can not remember for the life of me...but it wasn't about what was said.

Dad we need to talk again :)

Your son.



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Location:Perth Amboy,New Jersey, United States